There was this season where I thought I was a homeschool mom.
My friends were really passionate about it, so I thought maybe I was passionate about it.
Or at least should be passionate about it.
It wasn’t a fit. And I kept asking myself, “What is wrong with me?”
Until I realized…there wasn’t anything wrong with me. Homeschooling wasn’t actually something I wanted to do.
For me, it wasn’t aligned.
Alignment is the goal of all coaching.
Alignment is euphoric.
Alignment is the good stuff.
Alignment > achievement.
Annnd it’s a custom job. The only way for it to actually work is for you to be brutally honest about what you actually deeply value. Aka: name your core values.
One of the first assignments for my 1:1 clients is to identify their own core values. The theory is this: when you know what you deeply value (not what someone else does, not what you think you’re supposed to value) and you make sure you have time and habits that are unapologetically devoted to those values, you will experience that very magic something called alignment.
In my twenties, I was constantly “caught up” in other people’s passions. They’d get on a roll, I’d catch their enthusiasm and think that I, too, cared passionately about whatever it was they cared about.
That is how I accidentally became a homeschool mom, I had accidentally caught my friends’ stray passion bullets.
But after “trying it on”, I realized I’m more of an “I like reading with my kids and doing art projects while someone else teaches them math” mom.
Homeschooling wasn’t aligned with me and my top core values. But it was for my friends.
And that’s great!
So how do you name your values? There are tons of free quizzes online, but my favorite is a tried-and-true scrappy worksheet. You can borrow mine from my habits course if you like here: CoreValues.pdf
You start circling, then you look for “umbrella values” that represent similar ones. Then you start to ask yourself which ones are almost like oxygen to you. Even if they don’t make sense to anyone else.
My top 6 core values are: freedom, creativity, beauty, connection, fun/adventure, and growth.
And here’s the part I found especially helpful: If you’re ever feeling a bit off and you can’t quite name it, you can use these to do what I call a values audit. When you realize one value is not being represented in your life, it can help you know where to focus. Instead of feeling like “my entire life is off!” you can specify “oh my connection value is off. I need a date night." ect.
As Dan Siegel says, ‘name it to tame it.’”I find specific language so deeply helpful.
This morning, as I wrote my morning pages, I realized that I was buzzing with joy. This was such a relief because, for some reason, one week ago Monday, I had this low-key feeling of dread that I couldn’t quite pinpoint. In both cases, a “values audit” can help explain.
Here’s how my “Omg I’m thriving! I feel SO GOOD!” values audit went this morning:
Freedom: kids are back to school, spring break over, I’ve got complete autonomy over my schedule again! Check!
Creativity: morning pages are life!!!! I’ve got a photoshoot later today! Let’s make some art! Check!
Beauty: I love this little corner in our home. It’s so pretty. I think I’ll put a little effort into my hair/makeup/outfit today and make dinners extra colorful this week. Check!
Connection: Best. Family. Weekend. Ever. My marriage feels playful. There’s an ease in my relationships. And when I wake up early to do these pages with the candle and this cozy blanket, I feel connected to something bigger than me. Check!
Fun/Adventure: I am realizing this is as needed as oxygen for me. Note to self: always have a mini adventure on the calendar! This weekend was so fun for Jared’s birthday: seeing a movie! Project Hail Mary! Silly “throwed rolls” at Lamberts, playing catch at the brewery in the sunshine, and surprising him with a couples massage. Novelty! I feel so alive!!! Checkity, check, check!
Growth/Learning: I’m curious about trying an “AI fast” and get back to some manual, slower thinking/writing. I’d like to lift a little heavier. I’d like to try cooking a recipe I’ve never done before. I need to make sure I’m always aware of this need because since I’m in the “business” of growth, I’m usually talking about growth, but am I actually growing or just near others who are? Am I just growth-adjacent?
End of audit. Verdict: Alignment 6/6. Thriving.
—-
One week ago would have been a very different audit (had I done one, which I didn’t 😆). I would have noted which value itches weren’t being scratched, then I could have chosen one baby step to bring me closer to alignment.
It could have looked something like this:
I’m not thriving even a little. WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME?!
Freedom: It’s spring break. Kids are home. Schedules are gone. Could be fun to just work from bed all week….or will that actually start to feel like “trapped at home”? TRAPPED.
Action step: Designate some “work days” and some “play days”. Don’t try to do both at the exact same time.
Creativity: Nothing is new. I have nothing new to say. I am an IMPOSTOR.
Action step: Play the hits this week: what’s one low-hanging creative project: style your closet & purge some clothes.
Beauty: We’re just at home, and it’s messy. I’m still in my pajamas.
Action step: take a shower, get dressed. (I know you think you don’t want to, you actually do.) Wipe the counters and put some flowers on the table.
Connection: I’m ignoring my kids! They’re home, and I’m working. I’m TERRIBLE!
Action step: Reserve Friday for “only play”. Make a list of things you’ll do that day, let yourself off the hook until then.
Fun/Adventure: This is Spring Break. THIS IS NOT EPIC ENOUGH. I FAILED.
Action step: Friday can be epic. The other days can be chill. If in doubt, throw a board game at the problem.
Growth/Learning: Am I regressing? I skipped a workout! I ATE CARBS.
Action step: Listen to a podcast to learn one tiny thing, walk around the yard. Low-hanging fruit, Lady! You’re fine.
End of audit. Verdict: Alignment: off. Needs action/calibration.
—-
It’s amazing how even just acknowledging that you’re allowed to prioritize your values can create relief.
I strongly believe that an aligned person is someone at their highest contribution to the world. They are someone joyfully at ease. They have the most energy and passion and can almost duplicate their output. It’s good news for them and it’s good news for everyone else who interacts with them. Alignment is magnetic.
That’s why I’m so passionate about helping my 1:1 clients find their values and ruthlessly pursue alignment.
So here is your permission today to do your own little values audit.
Which ones get a pass? Which ones need some attention? What is one low-hanging fruit/baby step you could do to get that value some representation in your life this week?
xoxo-Katie Day
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